self disclosure

I met a friend at a party this past weekend who I had never met in person before. (I know, that fact alone is a modern communications marvel, though I guess it is a more and more common phenomenon.)

It was exciting to meet this person because I have always enjoyed his input in the online forum we both participate in, but at the same time I was slightly sheepish. My friend seemed excited to meet me in person and he was flattering in his remarks about my way in our group.

He told my wife and others in our circle of chat at the party that I was open and seemed willing to talk about anything. He lauded me for this, at one point suggesting perhaps it could represent catharsis for me or maybe something else, but extolling the virtue of it benefiting our online forum. This is what I have an odd feeling about.

It’s worth mentioning too, my wife readily agreed with my friend’s assessment. She emphasized my friend's point by laughing and agreeing with the observation with some gusto, as if it was a relief to hear someone else say it. I believe she meant her remarks in a mostly positive way, though in her case, I know she has had misgivings at times about how free I am with myself.

what is it that compels me, or anyone for that matter, to be open? i have always thought others odd for not being open, for being so private about their affairs.

as our discussion continued at the party, my wife mentioned something about secrets and i uttered mine mantra; "a man is only as sick as his secrets."

i believe in this maxim. to me, when people clam up about their strengths or their flaws, i am at a loss.

"Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us: We ask ourselves ‘who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of god. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do..." (-marianne williamson, or nelson mandela. i'm really not sure.)

this is a wise thought. still, i am more concerned with the converse side of the equation.

when we hide our flaws, it is as if we pretend they do not exist. it is an extension of the old keeping up with the jones' mentality. it is as if we believe in appearances. (shame on us.) if i feel like everyone i encounter in a given day is more perfect than me, that they have it all together and they look and smell nice and they have social grace and they're smart and funny and charming and athletic and self-deprecating and free of all the standard maladies of the day, (no e.d., no dandruff or gingivitis, no trouble sleeping, not fat, no vitamin deficient nails, no blemishes, no sleep in the eye or boogers in the nose, no hallitosis, no jock itch or athlete's foot or tennis elbow.) the more i notice this or believe this, the more i recognize this as my own insecurity, the more i am certain that everyone has maladies and it is just a part of being a human creature.

my friend is really a bright guy. he is in real estate and i guess he is quite successful at it. i do not own a house. this little tidbit of a fact is as self-disclosing as i get because i cannot think of anything i am more embarrassed by. the financial security train has been rolling for a lot of years by my age but i have refused to get on it all this time.

in my 20s i considered moving to a third world country. i saw americans as an embarrassing lot who would rather buy a house and live as a slave to it than venture out into the far reaches of the world.

in my 30s i considered myself engaged in the quest for my mate. i survived living check to check and thinking things like financial security would have to wait until i found the person who would settle down with me and have a family. i considered financial security the sacrifice i would endure, (eating out and drinking late being the spoils of such a sacrifice,) for the time being until the family life brought me to a more conventional form of sacrifice.

always i have thought of money and finance as a bother. i realize how important it is but i know the love of it is the root of all evil and i consider it an agent of strife. if i lived in a world wherein i could trade the fruit of my labors for that which others produced, a world completely free of currency, i would be at ease.

by contrast, currency clouds man's efforts. just think about the various pay rates among you and your peers. are they comensurate with what the various people produce?

it is like our health care system. the doctors who go to school to learn how to do the complex work that is caring for people, should make the most money for their efforts but by involving themselves in the process, businessmen, (and business itself by extrapolation,) have asserted that their efforts towards managing the flow of money in human care are equally if not more crucial to the process. (of course, this is a ridiculous notion but how we arrived where we are today, where this notion is not only credible but implemented, is truly a long and winding road.)

money is a form of trickery. in a large scale economy it is difficult to know how else a society could proceed, especially after all that has transpired, but moving backwards toward smaller, more liveable communities is an idea i see in a positive light always.

it's here and it's now and i have not made any headway on owning a home. i do not have that investment and my tax guy reminds me of this fact every year. and when i say this, i am chagrined, but it is important to me to be so.

many times i wish i could have all of my flaws published on my t-shirt. i think it would save me much effort. i think i could make certain assumptions about the people i interact with based on how they treat me. in a way, i dare people to treat me like a stereotype.

i am annoyed by conservative republican types who try to take the moral high ground in a discussion of politics and i refuse to give them one moment's rest on that plain. when i had long hair i took some pleasure in defying those who would pigeon-hole me in any way whatsoever.

self-disclosing is who i am. it is what i do. i had nothing to do with my mother or who my mother was when i came into this world. i was just born. i did not ask it of my father nor did i ask anything of him, a man i never met. i did not ask my mother to do heroin nor did i try to stop her from doing it. so early on when people indicated i should feel shame for these mere facts of my existence, i took exception because it made no sense to me. when i learned the meaning of the word bastard i thought it was a joke. that someone should feel shame for the circumstances surrounding their entry into the world? well that was as ridiculous as someone taking pride in their background a la some asshole fraternity pledge who claims some birthright to greatness because daddy was a top dog way back when and now he owns some corporation or another. the mentality that goes along with that is repulsive to me. every man should make his own way in this world and even the father who longs to give the fruits of his labor to his progeny, is mistaken to a degree.

self disclosing had something to do with why i left christianity. (this is a bit of self disclosing i have tried especially hard to keep from disclosing recently but i make an exception here.) the hypocrisy of sinning and feeling guilt then asking forgiveness and truly repenting only to repeat the cycle wore on me, moreso than it wore on my friends, or so it seemed.

at some point in trying to work out my own salvation i came to conclude that i was feeling guilty for, and indeed being punished for, acts that were as natural to me as eating and sleeping. this was the disconnect for me. i can't see feeling guilty or feeling inadequate on the basis of being normal. those who seem or claim to be above the things i call normal offend me, (and i am not one who is easily offended.)

i self disclose in order to lead by example. i do not mean to self disclose so much as to make anyone around me feel uncomfortable and while it may be cathartic at times, it is not my self treatment in action. rather, the practice embodies my world view, my feeling that we are all equally human and prone to suffer as humans.

that said, self disclosure becomes a means to get through so much of what ails us, that which we try to hide or tend to feel less than because of. self disclosure becomes an admission of an already known truth.