cheating

did you ever cheat? i did.

i cheated because i wanted to know what it felt like to cheat. i was not interested in winning through deceit. i merely wanted to feel what the cheater felt, know the danger of being caught, the thrill of evading my opponent, the darkness in the lie and the dizziness of walking a tightrope between opened and closed, light and dark, truth and lie.

when i was in the air force, stationed in japan, i lived in a dormitory environment. i was a firefighter and our department was attached to the civil engineering squadron, which is to say my dorm was filled with a lot of plumbers and refrigeration and heating guys. well, i made some good civil engineer friends and for a season, a group of us played cards for money several nights a week.

we played spades and typically, i would win or lose anywhere from $40 to $80 per night. my partner was a guy from new jersey named mike truax. the two guys we played against seemed to have our number when we first started playing regularly and we suspected them of cheating for some time. in spades you play in teams of two and a big part of the game is being able to accurately predict how many books your hand will be able to take or carry.

after losing some money and discussing our frustration over how these guys were beating us, we decided to go ahead and cheat. the rationale was that there was no way in the world we believed these guys were better than us, at least in the proportion they had been winning in.

so here is how we cheated. mike and i developed the following complex method one evening before our regular meeting in the day room when i simply suggested it. jokers play in spades and so the two most powerful cards are the big and little jokers. partners are not allowed to communicate when bidding, (which is predicting their haul at the outset of each game.) our system was to casually glance at the ceiling if we had the big joker or at the floor to indicate ownership of the little joker.

i kind of enjoyed the moment when mike and i would send our signals to one another. when i had the big daddy joker i would slyly glance skyward as if searching the heavens for the number of books i would take then i would look across at my partner to gauge his recognition. conversely, as i looked at my hand i would also be tracking truax to see if he was going to look at the floor or above in any obvious fashion.

at the end of the day, all our cheating did was level the playing field in terms of money exchanged. from the time we began cheating on, our exchange of money was nearly equal. any advantage was imperceptible, which again reinforces my belief that todd blakeman and his partner whose name escapes me were cheating too. for me though, i really made the decision to go ahead and cheat based more on the sense of opportunity. i could forgive it myself because i believed mike and i were being worked. moreover, i wanted to know what it felt like because otherwise, i have a real disdain for cheaters. in most everything i prefer losing to cheating any day and i am known to suggest to friends and family that i have an overdeveloped sense of justice.

and so, i had my experience with cheating. i got familiar with the practice in that season without any real sense of guilt or shame. in fact, to this day, i always have wondered about the other team's method for cheating. what was their system? was it complex and did they convey more info than our measly joker insight? maybe it was sophisticated and involved tapping or secret code words or whistles like some kind of gambling neanderthals.

faith in troubled times

it is good to be working again and being unemployed for seven months was certainly a trying time. it made the day to day of raising two little children difficult. it strained all of my relationships, most importantly, my most important relationship. but it is good to be working again and i feel like giving thanks to my wife for hanging in there when i was feeling low, when money was tight and when the stress level skyrocketed. and so i am giving thanks in the form of a poem, (unless you never read this in which case my poetry was just too, too bad.) i could never do this for some hallmark holiday but now? in the middle of march? with no birthdays or holy days in sight, well, tonight i can write...

faith, in troubled times

my flower, my friend
my ray of giddy sunshine in this place i call imperfection
you give me hope like a serum
like a shot of love to innoculate my world weary soul
you give me beer bongs of hope

my song, my lover
my breath of joyful air in this moment of truth and consequences
you inflate me like an airbag
like a jolt of oxygen to pump up my medulla obligated
you give my life animation

my companion, my poem

my funny little rock 'n' roller fronting our funky quartet

you guide me like a star

like a bic lighter of trust illuminating my night skies

i believe in you

my sparrow, my baby

you are the last sound my ears will ever hear
you are the most recent thing i ever needed
you let me give when i have nothing to offer
my heart is your heart is my heart

working, not blogging

i apologize the frequency of my blogging has dropped off of late. the heart is willing but the body is subject to time, which has been in demand by my new employer.

seven months to the day after being laid off, i was offered a job. i am not so much ecstatic as content. but content feels great. money has been tight. stress levels have been up. all was not lost as i stayed home with my son mark for several months but it was still a trying time.

my new job is nearly perfect. the commute is reasonable. i like my boss. i like the culture of the organization. it is a small company and things happen there at light speed. i have a great amount of autonomy and already my boss, (the owner of the company,) has shown so much trust in me i have been taken aback. surely it is his way and he trusts his own judgment in hiring me but i once toiled in a place where i had a unique and distinct role in the operation but still was shown far less trust. i have a great team. i have a great feeling about my peers and their objectives and motives. (this last trait is not to be undervalued. it's huge.)

i am so thankful for the social compact we americans participate in and agree to. i appreciate the unemployment insurance that paid my car payment monthly and my daughter's pre-school while my wife's income supported the family otherwise. surely of all the things our taxes go to pay, unemployment insurance is among the most virtuous.

for now i will blog less. i am working long hours and i am thoroughly invested in my new job. my little project for which i had bought a couple of domain names is on hold. one day i will revisit the idea. my wife and kids will get as much as time as ever and it will be of a greater quality but most everything else will probably suffer and after seven long months without gainful employment, my perspective is one of appreciation for what i have and knowing how difficult things can be and are for many of neighbors, family, friends and countrymen.

stewart exposes cramer, cnbc

i don't want to spend a lot of time talking about the jon stewart versus jim cramer thing but i do just want to say a few things along with encouraging everyone to watch the video.

CNBC along with virtually every mainstream media show offering so-called financial advice is nothing more than a vehicle for the super wealthy and corporate entities to disseminate their agenda to the masses and/or middle class. if you want to be a responsible adult in our society you cannot rely on regular news sources for information. you must go to alternet or tmp. you must seek out the opinions of doctor marc faber or noam chomsky but never, ever consider the supposed insights of a guy like jim cramer to be anything more than the purchased message of corporate america.

the header includes a direct link to the comedy central website where you can see jon stewart do what journalists in this country seem unwilling to do which is to expose a shill. (also note when jim cramer talks about how investors willing to gamble on hedge funds and derivatives made 30% yearly from '99 to '07. then next time you hear someone try to blame the financial crisis on poor people qualifying for mortgages instead of pointing at the deregulation of '99 which led to credit default swaps just file them away as jim cramers and never give them a second thought. ever.)

u2 - still relevant

i watched u2's first night on david letterman with lower expectations than what i might have had in the past. their most recent record; how to dismantle an atomic bomb, was among my least favored u2 albums and up to this point i had only heard the new single, 'get your boots on,' from the new record; no line on the horizon. however, instead of looking and sounding like a bunch of 40-somethings rocking the local pub with a cache of songs from 30 years ago, they continued their tradition of seeking the cutting edge, if not necessarily finding it every time out.



i think they got it though, this time. spot on. i watched and listened to them perform 'breathe' on the monday night david letterman show, and i was amazed though not completely sold. i remembered 'vertigo,' a bad ass, hard rocking, blitzkrieg of a tune on every level amidst a collection of otherwise nice but forgettable songs, (excepting 'sometimes you can't make it on your own.')

'breathe' is fresh air. it is artistic and shows some progression in bono's writing as it is a departure, nothing like any song lyrics he has written previously. it is an impressionist sort of song. bono is telling a story in a way, about something that happened on 16 june, a man threatens someone from a front porch but the one who answered the door cannot be frightened because he or she has already been redeemed by the almighty power of music, or...something like that. it will be interesting to discover what this song is really all about some day. but for now it is enough to have vague impressions about the powers of love and music, and the freedom to breathe.

'breathe' sounds like 'come together' collided with 'head like a hole,' then had lunch with 'rainy day woman #12 & 35.' it's not as sonically resounding as 'vertigo,' but it does have another random number inserted at the end of the first stanza. (instead of catorce it's three.) otherwise bono blurts out some of the lyrics like a stream of consciousness warning from on high, then sings and even rhymes others. the affect is of a band taking chances and doing things different long after having secured their place in the pantheon of rock immortals.

the lyrics in 'breathe,' are typically bono, which is to say refreshingly more colorful and vibrant and interesting and poignant than virtually anything else out there.

But I’m running down the road like loose electricity
While the band in my head plays a striptease

directly following that line is this one:

The roar that lies on the other side of silence
The forest fire that is fear so deny it

it is a new way of describing a frenetic run down the street, like loose electricity? perfect. it is not the first time bono has conjured the music in his head. (he conjured the opera within him on 'ultraviolet,' and on 'sometimes you can't make it on your own.') is there a roar on the other side of silence? and fear is a forest fire and denying it is probably as good a strategy as any in combating it. whether it is a metaphor or a phrase or sometimes just a word, bono is a poet of the first order. for instance, near the end of 'breathe,' when he describes a street as "sunburst." simple and yet, beyond what i have been hearing from his peers.

after watching the performance on letterman i was relieved and my curiosity was piqued. so i tuned in the next night, (way past my bedtime.) they played another track from no line on the horizon, called 'magnificent.' letterman said he felt it right in his chest and i was reminded of just how concise that guy can be, (as well as why he has that job.)

magnificent' is a rock and roll hymn. it floats and soars throughout the higher register and bono plays around with some of the notes bending them up and down and around like a snake emerging from a basket. bono plays lucifer in a way, (prior to the fall,) exclaiming his mission from the beginning, which was "to sing for you." 'magnificent' is rife with biblical imagery and references. ultimately it may be that bono is suggesting lucifer's redemption when he says "only love can heal such a scar." in any case, magnificent is well...no, i won't say that. it is a bombastic song with a great pop hook and so many parts that sum up to rock music as listenable high art. larry and adam as u2's backbone of a rhythm section pump this song along and drive it to being the rocking and bumping song that it is. edge has an understated guitar solo that fits its placement like a glove.

i am anxious to see their performances tonight, tomorrow night and friday on letterman. if they can even be in the same range as these first two nights, i will run to the store on saturday and buy the record if i have to collect aluminum cans to pay for it. (it just hasn't been worked into the budget yet otherwise.) i always planned on buying it but i was in no rush. after seeing 'breathe,' and 'magnificent," these last two nights, my sense of urgency has been substantially engorged.

lots of old bands are still playing. few remain relevant. few offer the new, the interesting, the thoughtful. springsteen recently had a super sunday but it was with old material he whipped out and just rocked the heck out of. the stones, by contrast, look like a group of undertakers trying so hard to be lively when they play, it makes my teeth hurt. sting unceremoniously entered irrelevance when he got in bed with the industry that is high fashion. how un-rock and roll can one get? meanwhile, u2 just keeps working that envelope, pushing at the boundaries of what is expected and what is possible, raging from deep within the machine all while maintaining their death grip on the lost sensibility in rock music, positivity.

still off

it has been six and one-half months since i was laid-off and it is a weird time to say the least. i have decided to blog about this knowing it is a difficult subject because it is so personal and because i want to come off in just the right way. i don't want to sound whiny. i want to be positive and constructive on an everyday basis, which takes effort.

i think it is important to blog about this and to talk about it perhaps not only for me, as the economic downturn is affecting a lot of people these days and will likely affect more, but maybe for others too. for those who might read. i want to talk about this rationally and again, constructively.

i have been unemployed for 6.5 months and i have detailed that experience previously. in this time i have interviewed around 15 times. i have had multiple interviews with four companies. one of those four offered me the job and i tentatively accepted the position but backed out at the last minute for a few reasons. the compensation was lower than I thought it should have been and i did not sense a real commitment to customer service. that company seemed more interested in a quick, quality injection, which i had promised i could deliver. in retrospect, two-and-one-half months later, i feel like it may have been yet another mistake on my part to back out of that job. still, i have to move forward.

i have priced myself out of a couple of the jobs i interviewed for, which is tricky terrain. in this economy it seems to me wages are plummeting. i am basing this on what i see posted online. employers ask the question though. they want to know what you have made and what you want to make or expect to make and as an interviewee you have to be prepared to answer the question. (one strategy i have employed recently involved praying to buddha, god, allah, shiva and any other deities i could think of before each interview in hopes the salary question would not come up.) next, i go into these interviews with a number that i think is in the right range for the job then i make myself ready to speak to the situation if the number i chose seems to not have been received well.

in one of my most recent interviews, i was asked the salary question and i said i was hoping to be in the $50k range. The interviewer said they were hoping to pay in the $40s. I countered by saying those numbers did not seem that far apart and i wondered if there might be some middle ground we could explore. that company never called me back. i called them and was told the person i had interviewed with was on vacation. you bet it sucks to not even hear back from a company.

in another interview, everything went super well. i felt like i had established a great rapport with the interviewer and i felt like a great fit for the job. at the end though out came that question.

"what are you looking to make?"

i said I had hoped to make $60k but that i was flexible. the job sounded like it was in that range. the rest of the interview was rushed and by the time i realized the salary question had changed the dynamics of the interview completely, (four minutes later as i was leaving,) there was nothing i could do to change anything. i called that interviewer back one week later and he apologized and said he was actually sending me an email that day and that i had not been selected for the position. the email did arrive later that day.

the entire idea of interviewing seems nebulous to me. it's just such a crap shoot. for example, i interviewed back in late november with someone over the phone and i thought the interview went especially well. sure enough i was invited to come in for an interview with three people in person. that interview also went well and i felt really good about the prospects. only one question came up from one of the three interviewers that concerned me. she asked me how i would deal with a team of new peers of which, several may be newer in the role of managing teams. i assured the interviewer maintaining my interpersonal relationships was of the highest priority to me and that i would neither be threatening nor dishonest. next i interviewed with that entire team of would be peers. it did not go well. answering questions honestly and forthrightly with a group of would be peers who are of lesser skills and experience than yourself is difficult to say the least. i tried to set them at ease but knew it could have gone better just as soon as i left. a few days later the original interviewer called me to explain that while they thought i had great experience and much to offer, they did not think i was the best fit for this team. he went on to say they would keep my resume on file because truly, he assured me, if the right position were to come open the management team thought highly of me.

it feels unnatural tooting my own horn in a job interview. i mean outside of a job interview i am always suspicious of those who are comfortable talking about how great they are. a few years ago i bought a business book called, "brag!", in an effort to gain greater comfort with shining a light on my own accomplishments and strengths. the principles therein are great and i think i was able to take something away from the book but it was most helpful for on-the-job managing your boss's perception, not interviewing. there is plenty of written material on how to land the job and interviewing at a high level. heck, i have had more advice than i can even remember at this point. most everything i hear has some value, which is not to say any of it is original or new to me.

california's unemployment rate has surpassed the 10% mark. the economy nationwide is in a bad way and it could be a while before things turn around, which is distressing. there are only so many jobs out there and i have certainly lowered my expectations in terms of the job i am expecting to get as well as the salary i expect to command. even then, there are no guarantees. i have two children ages two and four, so i have a heightened sense of panic about getting off the dole and getting back to the plans i have had to shelf for this season. my daughter attends a costly pre-school and if worse comes to worse, i could be forced to pull her from it, (though it would certainly be a last resort.)

additionally i have had to face some common challenges. i have had to battle against a sense of depression that has at times engulfed me in a mish-mash of self pity and worthlessness. i have had to deal with my wife, faith, bringing home the bacon while i rely on public assistance for the complementary portion of income we have. i have had to swallow a measure of pride to reach out to friends and family to ask for help in my job search. these have not been comfortable things to work through but i recognize the importance of pragmatism and of not letting my current circumstances define me. a few weeks ago i heard an athlete being interviewed on tv and he talked about the importance of rising to meet adversity and how much more those times say about a person's character than when everything is just fine. i want to work more than anything-i could hardly be less comfortable than i am and have been. so as much as this has been a down time for me, it has also been a seminal time in terms of learning who i am and what i am really all about.

this entire experience has been a learning one for me. i now know what it is like to be laid off. i know what it is like to have real worry. i have become substantially more frugal than i have ever been in my life and what's more, i think there is still room to spend and consume even less. i have been home with my son mark all of these last 6-7 months and we have bonded but good. when he wakes in the morning or even during the night he can be heard crying, "da-dah," through sobs from his crib. that is remarkable as he was formerly, just as terra was in these same years, so oriented towards mama. i have improved my cooking skills in this season. i have also blogged much more than i could have imagined when i had a job.

these things are all nice but they are not the natural order of things. voltaire's candide is certainly in the top three novels i have read, (along with cervantes' 'don quixote,' and chinua achebe's 'things fall apart,') and what i took away from it more than anything else was a certainty that humans are meant to work, to have a purpose and to toil at that purpose. anything else is in opposition to the natural harmony of the universe.

my sister is out of work. my brother was but started a new job today. my other brother was laid off late last year and was unemployed for about seven or eight weeks. at that time, the unemployment rate among my parent's children was 80%, (four of five.) since it is an issue with me, it comes up a lot in conversation as well and it seems as though everyone is close to someone who has lost their job. yesterday faith told me of a friend whose mom lost her job after 20 years and now plans on going to work as an entry level csr.

i hope we fix some things in this country in order to get people back to work. manufacturing things in america seems like a good place to start. but otherwise we all just have to do our best to cope with the lean times and find our way back to employment and our careers. personally, i am working on my positivity daily. moreover, i am trolling the job boards, monster.com, indeed.com, careerbuilder.com, callcenterjobs.com and craigslist. i try to stay in touch with people. i try to get out of the house with mark daily. and when the interviews happen, i am trying to do my best to be the right choice for the would be employer so as to give myself the option of accepting a position. most importantly i remain hopeful that this season of my unemployment is coming to an end any day now.

the best band in the world: today and 25 years ago

i was thinking about talking heads today while listening to this song. it occurred to me too, that they filled that spot in the musical spectrum that radiohead fills today. of course radiohead took their name from a talking heads song but there is more to it than that.

some people want more than hard rocking from their favorite band. they may want music that is also going to make them get up and dance. they may want lyrics that are thoughtful, complex and interesting. they may want their music to be high art. they probably want a great voice and great musicianship. they want innovation and timelessness. this is the top of the musical food chain i am talking about.

the talking heads were an ultra smart band. they made records with companion art house films. while lesser bands lke styx continued to pursue the rock operas of 'tommy' and 'the wall,' talking heads discovered or invented the neo-impressionist album with 'little creatures.' 'little creatures,' was a collection of songs with similar themes, which worked together to leave a certain, lasting impression. if forced to sum little creatures up in one sentence, i might come up with: as humans we are little creatures, though of love, and sometimes our lives are sublime, and often we procreate, but in the end we have to guard ourselves from falling prey to the laziness which would cause ignorance. that is 'and she was,' to 'road to nowhere,' in my humble opinion and without little creatures there might never have been an ok computer because one is a blueprint for the other whether it was used and followed or not, (and i doubt it was though i guess it sunk in as great art does.)

the songs on both records stand alone but simultaneously contribute to and evoke the same feelings and emotions. on little creatures there is a simple beauty or a simple happiness that comes with the finite and miniscule. listening you can feel them all at once. similarly on ok computer there are songs that stand alone and have well defined themes in and of themselves but taken together, there is an overall feeling of an impending technological doom and cognitive dissonance that serves as a warning to the little creatures who created all of these machines.

'electioneering' is one of the more obscure tracks from ok computer but it exemplifies the potency of radiohead and particularly, this album.

i will stop at nothing, say the right things when electioneering, i trust i can
rely on your vote. when i go forwards you go backwards...

it's the politician speaking as country preacher with utter honesty and in the end he even tells his would be voters when he goes forward, they will go backwards. it spoke to the confusion of the modern age, of the age of the internet.

there are other great bands. certainly u2, pearl jam, the pixies, and others. they have made truly great records. but they never occupied that niche that is and was the realm of talking heads and radiohead. it is that apex where the art house and mass appeal meet, that place where the vibrating brain meets the shaking ass meets the pulsating heart of the champion, that place where influences lose all pretense at the altar of invention, that place from where everyone takes their cue.