294 days

yesterday i was anxious.  later i was relieved.  tomorrow i will be nervous and hopeful.  today i am grateful-so, so grateful. 

being unemployed feels like being accused of a crime.  for the last nine-and-one-half months i have been standing trial for the crime of being incompetent, unstable, (emotionally and professionally,) lazy, discontented, stupid, unlucky and an infidel.  i'll admit it up front and i'll proclaim it loudly for all the world to hear. i don't think there's any shame in it.  i'm sensitive. 

i'm sensitive because i grew up without my mother and never knowing my father.  at my age it feels like an excuse to even bring facts such as these up but there is a reason i am sensitive and that reason dates back to the '70s and beyond.

what happened to me, how i became unemployed is a long story.  the short version is i up and resigned from a job in direct defiance of a long term plan i had in place.  sans an undergraduate degree and employed in the same place for 12 years i meant to stay put and continue to rise through the ranks.  i aggressively changed that plan when i felt like i had been at the place too long, when i felt like i had enough confidence that i could succeed elsewhere without a degree to declare my competency, when my wife was working in the same place as me and at the same level, and when a new boss seemed to see me as just another of so many quarreling children on the team, i resigned to take a job at a start-up company.  what?  me worry?

it was pollyannish of me.  i assumed everything would work out somehow.  i was perfectly aware the company could fail but i soldiered on hoping i could make a difference and we would conquer the world of english language learning.  two months after i left elliot spitzer wrote a dark op-ed in the new york times foreshadowing a financial meltdown of epic proportions.  eight months later the world economy was in the tank.  12 months after that i was laid off, (affected in the third round of such layoffs.) 

seven months later i went to work for an ignorant, boorish man.  i knew it was not the right place for me, considering my personal philosophy.  still, for about my first year in his employ that small business owner showered me with great angel tickets, gift cards and glowing introductions all in addition to my salary.  he bought my truck and thereby relieved me of the burden of automobile insurance, gas expenses, and mechanical outlays.  i was favored.  around the one year mark the relationship strained.  he expected me to manage the entire business while spending 4-8 hours every day listening to him pontificate on best business practices as he saw them and other sundry items and complimenting him his brilliance and insight.  i faked it in the first year but slowly, (and surely,) i lost that ability.  i should have left his employ much sooner than i did but finding and securing jobs is not of my strengths. 

i interviewed for a job last september that was especially attractive to me.  however, i did not land it.  i was looking but i was not finding and in early december push came  to shove and i was laid off, (or resigned depending on how you interpret the events of december 5th.)  the first morning i woke up without a job i was worried but still felt like a champ.  i did not have to go to a job any longer wherein people were treated like material commodities to be used up and left by the wayside whenever they crossed management.  i did not have to go and espouse and enforce policies and philosophies that are and were at odds with how i believe business should be run in order to thrive.  i did try to promote discussions of these things and to shed light on my perspective, though it was difficult because people who talk constantly never listen.

throughout the entire time i was unemployed i never faltered in knowing i did the right thing by refusing  to work for that person any longer.  it is not that he is an evil or bad person.  it is merely that we are at odds in just about every way imaginable other than the fact that we both craved success.  my lot was untenable because i had to go about pursuing that success by a manner i found obtuse, unproductive and often times demeaning. 

i filed for unemployment and had no problem securing the maximum benefit of $900 every two weeks.  i am grateful to the american taxpayers for providing this safety net.  it was not enough to live on.  i have two children in private school and thankfully i was able to keep them in their school uninterrupted but it was not easy.  (i'll return to all the people i owe thanks to momentarily.)

i don't know who if anyone looked at me as incompetent.  i am sure it happened.  people judge other people in snaps. 

this person is unemployed?  what a loser.  let me now talk to him and see if there is some way i can take advantage of him since he must be a dullard.  (i have to explain this is not particularly indicative of my world view but i know these people exist and i am sure i came in contact with them.) 

there was a mom of one of the kid's classmates whom i spoke to shortly after terminating employment who reacted to what i was telling her as if i was an irresponsible jerk.  she did  not come right out and say anything so direct but she feigned an exasperated gasp of questioning as to how i could conceivably let that relationship get to the point of the employment terminating so suddenly.  she had not walked in my shoes and she certainly did not know the extraordinary circumstances that working in that environment represented.  she did not see the line of good people leave that place prior to me, some in fits of rage, others as coolly as a harvard business book, still others with a quiet reserved dignity.

at times i thought any number of persons might have just thought i was in some way unstable.  after all i had left a job i had been at for 12 years.  in fact i am not the most stable person.  the values represented by our society as it lives and breathes everyday are certainly not aligned with my values.  that said i think that is true of the majority of us.  so when i say i am unstable, i do not mean in an especially abnormal way.  it's a crazy world and i am an insane man.

i am not lazy but when i was an adolescent my parents did label me as the lazy kid in the family.  years later i realized i had to fight that stigma by telling myself i was not lazy.  i do have a certain yearning for efficiency.  sometimes i will combine projects, which can look like laziness.  still, in most of my work places i have been praised for my work ethic.  i can remember the first times i heard that and not believing it.  that is how insidious the idea of laziness was inside of me.  moreover i think this is the thing many people fear about the unemployed.  they go to work every day and they work hard and they see the money in numbers on their paycheck that they never get because it is paid in taxes for so many things including the social safety net that is unemployment insurance.  personally i have paid into that fund for 30 years so i know i need not feel guilty for taking advantage of it. 

i had a friend admit to me recently that she was milking unemployment as she worked on her 2nd novel.  she hoped to be published and find her way into a career of letters. however, a short time later she got a job offer and snapped it up.  from what i can tell she is happier than she has been in some time, writing news stories for a small local paper.  and that is the myth about the unemployed.  by and large they are not taking advantage of the program.  they may suffer any number of maladies.  they may be short on self confidence or initiative.  they may be plagued by alcoholism and addiction.  they may be slow, obtuse or socially inept.  they may even nervously tell you at a reunion of sorts that they are taking advantage of the system, which is merely yet another veiled form of guilt.  ultimately the unemployed have one thing in common with one another, their self esteem suffers as a consequence of being unemployed and not having an income.  i fought that everyday over the last 294 days.

was i or am i discontented?  sure, in some regards.  ours is a utilitarian society.  like most human beings i would rather earn my living doing something that nourishes me in deep, meaningful ways.  in my career i have sought ways to build creativity into my roles in order to increase my happiness.  as a trainer i savored the seasons of creating training, drawing flip charts and assembling powerpoints.  in the classroom i enjoyed diverging from the subject matter on occasion to keep everyone refreshed and engaged.  these things can help sustain me through tasks like listening to customer service calls and scoring them in order to subsequently coach someone on their performance, or taking a call myself from an angry customer.

regarding the indictment of being stupid i am fairly secure that my friends and family do not see me in this way.  strangers are another story.  a few months ago i joined a club in order to improve myself and in large part because i have had spare time being unemployed.  in a small group i was asked what i do for a living and i confessed to being unemployed.  a short time later, with only golden intentions, i was informed of a job fair for entry level csr's that would be happening in the coming days.  the person reminded me that i should dress up and bring a resume.  (did i have a resume?)  this stranger was not in any way being rude.  she did not know me from adam and perhaps she imbued me as an unemployed person with certain qualities she either found familiar or that she associated with people my age who find themselves unemployed.  in any case i am not stupid but it is yet another possibility which i was inclined to defend myself from even if i did not follow through and defend myself.

was it forrest gump who said lucky is as lucky does?  (perhaps that one should have been used in the previous graph?)  well, we make our own luck, right?  luck is the residue of skill.  so if i am unlucky at having become unemployed it is natural for me to take that on as yet another fault i need to clear from my own internal hard wiring.  maybe i was unlucky at having found my last employer but at the time it felt like great fortune after having been unemployed for a brief season previously. 

as an avowed agnostic and someone who is prone to just call myself an atheist, (because i like those people,) i do have certain people in my life who profess to know things about me mystically.  there were those who claimed i needed jesus to help me find a job.  others merely stated that this was all part of god's plan for me.  i guess i was meant to suffer my way back to a perfect state of fear and subjectivity.  so i confess, i am an infidel in as much as i am not a believer.  my unemployment, however, may have been a result of any number of things none of which are my disbelief.

so it is that this dreary season has come to an end.  i am employed and i have a start date two weeks from today.  this morning i received a call from the recruiter letting me know my background check was completed and that she will be in touch with me next week with the particulars I'll need for my first day of work. hooray!

it has been bleak.  as i was prone to tell friends and family throughout this process i believed my resume did a great job.  i had many interviews over the last 294 days.  i feel sure my interview skills betrayed me.  one of my first interviews was with a booming shoe company on the westside.  the manager there, i was told, really liked me but did not believe my lack of e-commerce experience could serve in the role i interviewed for.  the call center was so impacted with service levels completely in contrast to anything resembling good service so she needed someone with that specific experience who could get up and running quickly.  i had been found for the position by a recruiter who worked closely with that company and let me know later that the manager said she would like to revisit bringing me in as a quality assurance and training manager a few months down the road.  that was encouraging but never materialized.  at the end of it all i wasn't sure i wanted to drive to marina del rey everyday to work, anyways.  traffic...

i had a friend early on who tried to help me get my foot in the door with a great company in downtown los angeles.  this was a preferred company to be sure.  i had already interviewed with a recruiter who took no more than three days to get back to me and let me know they were looking for someone with more e-commerce experience.  my friend sent my resume to a high level contact he had who forwarded it to the head of the customer service department, (copying my friend who in turn forwarded to me,) and suggesting i came  highly recommended and she should review the resume ahead of possibly bringing me in for an interview.  that interview never materialized.  i guess i wasn't right. 

i interviewed twice for a job with an online printing company.  the human resources manager made no bones about the fact that she just thought i was perfect for the position.  she said she would be getting back to me with an interview date with the cfo who was back east that particular week.  the next week she never contacted me.  when i finally reached her she informed me they had filled the position.  three weeks later she called me back to ask if i was still interested.  i was.  i interviewed with the cfo who told me they had hired someone who worked for one week then quit because she had gotten a job with a really good company in downtown los angeles.  (yeah, i feel certain it was that position.)  so, he said, they had returned to the process and i was the first person to come in of what he expected to be many.  i can't be sure why i wasn't right for that job but they never called me again and i knew it was going that way when i left his office.  i felt like i was perhaps too strong a personality for him.  i have distinct ideas about what constitutes good customer service, how it should be delivered and how an organization can achieve this.  perhaps he wanted someone more mold-able. 

i interviewed in el segundo with an online makeup company.  the manager explained to me in the interview that she had lost her manager to a booming shoe company just up the coast.  (yes, i believe it was that booming shoe company.)  i think the question i got tangled up in was about how i, as a man, could lead a customer service team dealing with something so distinctly feminine in nature.  i remember saying my wife had strong feelings about makeup and i remember the manager responding by saying every woman has strong feelings about makeup.  i think that was it.  i thought i did well otherwise but i think i was disqualified for that position on the basis of that one moment in the interview. 

i interviewed for a dental group in south gate.  i thought i had a good shot at that position but the manager called me the very next day and let know he appreciated me coming in but that i would not be moving forward in the process.  this is yet another thing for which the unemployed need thick skin.  rejection.  i was rejected for all of these positions.  i was not good enough.  in spite of the fact i take great care to be informed in my area, i work hard to be a professional and to ensure i will be more than competitive in the work place, in spite of the fact i am articulate, knowledgeable, personable and computer and industry savvy, i was rejected about every three to four weeks for the past 294 days.  in case you don't know let me tell you something about this one particular point.  it fucking sucks.  more, it fucking sucks the self esteem out of your heart like a parasite.

a friend contacted me about a position with a really good company in glendale.  she had me jump through about 18,000 hoops then one week later she called to let me know they did not think my experience was right for the job.  she had also called me a few weeks earlier about a temporary contract position with an aerospace company.  (yeah, who knew those jobs still existed?)  on that occasion also my experience was unacceptable. 

there's more.  several more but those are perhaps the ones that have stayed with me a bit.  the job i landed is closely aligned with my experience.  the manager who interviewed me first exemplified my values.  she said to me her job is to ensure the csr's outside her office on the floor have good reason to get up and come into work.  she asked me about my philosophy for managing csr's and i told her i thought it was an especially stressful job, that these representatives have to be accountable to someone directly on the phone for maybe 2-5 minutes at a time with working breaks of another couple of minutes between such periods.  in the course of these calls the customer expects them to be empathetic, to genuinely care, to be an expert on the business of the company, to take responsibility for whatever has occurred and to fashion a solution in mere seconds.  i explained to that manager that in this role i think it is my job to help them be better and better at being all of these things to the customer and also to support them with tools to increase their rate of success.  that interview for me became a discussion.  we talked for about an hour and i was treated with the respect perhaps due a thoughtful and motivated person in the industry with 15-plus years experience.  she made it clear to me our customer service philosophies were in harmony, (if not unison.) 

next i interviewed with would be peers and as with a company down in cerritos i was worried i had perhaps been a bit too articulate and ambitious.  one of my recruiters had also suggested to me ahead of an interview with the booming shoe company that i was a strong personality and that could work against me on occasion.  still, she recommended me rolling the dice and being me.  in cerritos i felt certain it cost me but in retrospect i did not need to be at that telcom.  working with insecure people who are perhaps more interested in their personal career plight than in just working hard toward the company's objectives and thereby coloring their workplace reputation is less than ideal for me.  according the my human resources contact i was a unanimous choice in a lengthy process that included many candidates.  i could not be more pleased or optimistic about my new position.  in addition to matching up with a company that is vastly similar to the company i spent nearly 12 years with the people i have already been in contact with and who interviewed me reflect glowingly on the company.  (yes, in some part because they chose me.  you see-i am working on my self esteem?)

so it is that i am grateful.  i need to call these people and send out notes but here is a quick laundry list of those who helped me get through this mean season.

first and foremost my children helped me to persevere.  they were very much aware of the fact that daddy did not have a job but they were still just themselves everyday.  they smiled at me everyday.  recently mark said to me out of the blue as he walked up to me and hugged me, "best dad ever."  he's five.  man, i smiled for about an hour over that one. 

thanks to my friend gabe de la rosa who recommended me to that great company in downtown la.  thanks to my friend brian lamp who checked in on me every few weeks to let me know about places he had been looking for me and who always asked how i was doing and what irons i had in the fire.  thanks to a former associate who presented me to that aerospace company and to glendale's best online, diy legal eagles to no avail, and to my friend charles, who i once had the extreme bad fortune of having to terminate from my employ, who checked in at that glendale company on my behalf as he worked there for several years.  thanks to my best buddy steve who listened to my interview stories and got mad on my behalf i was not getting hired.  thanks to my mother-in-law and sisters and brother-in-law who always treated me with respect and dignity in spite of the fact my wife and i separated and i became unemployed within one month of one another.  the occasional babysitting was also appreciated.  thanks to henry and monique who always expressed disbelief when i did not get the job.  i told mo i needed an appointment with her before all of my interviews because she made me feel like a champ.  thanks to a former mentor and manager who has been helpful and instructive several times in the recently rocky course of my career; jeanie. she along with 10 other people responded positively to a plea for endorsements i made through linkedin.com and endorsed me.  along with jeanie i owe thanks to: david from my firefighting days, joe, stella and sarah who i worked with at the water company, vicky, rafael, jose and trina from the english language company, (for having spent less than two years there i met the best people,) and greg and ashley who i worked with most recently and who represent special endorsements for me because they come from that bad employer i had and they are two people who preceded me out the door both in an especially unhappy manner.  (moreover, both of these people are especially impressive people in the workplace.  it is hard to imagine how a company can succeed when it bleeds good people like these but then again, a consultant once suggested to me in a very wink-wink fashion in that very workplace that sometimes businesses succeed in spite of their owners.)  linkedin has a tool for requesting these endorsements and this was something i used only recently, as my desperation grew, so as you can imagine i was truly touched when they began coming in.  Jeanie responded practically immediately.  Joe wrote a glowing endorsement.  Ashley showed real caring and asked me to keep her up to date.  (note to self; call ashley when done writing.)  if any of these people every needed someone to testify to the pure golden quality of their individual characters, i will be first in line.

thanks also to my ex who expressed genuine happiness when she learned i had gotten the job and who was also considerate when i first became unemployed.  (we'll always have the sizzler.)  thanks to david and pete who kept me sane on a daily basis, who commiserated with me and agreed with my notions about the process and how vapid my previous employer was.  thanks to lily who adjusted my resume, cover letter and nearly my linkedin account too.  thanks to my brother and sara.  thanks to my dad and carol.  thanks to todd and chris.  thanks to the people at my kid's school who understood and gave us a discount for a season.  thanks to ashley who gave me discounted haircuts and gave terra the cutest doo ever.  thanks to dominique who accepted me last week ahead of my 2nd interview on short notice to tidy up my don draper haircut.  thanks to destiney, amy jean, tanya, alicia, joel, john, mary, wolf and perhaps most of all stephanie, all good people formerly employed in that horrific place, (of whom stephanie tells me i am the, "best boss ever," every time i contact her, well, both times i contacted her first for info and second to see if she was interested in a job i had been contacted about.)  thanks too, to linda, kathryn, bill, eddie, shane, steve, chris, mike, scott, jessica, sylvia, chad, mike, jesse, jesse, ruben, felix, rob, tami, lisa, rodney, dee2, katie and all of my friends and acquaintances who helped me feel normal and worth a damn during this time when it was easy to feel sorry for myself or less than.  i know it's not an academy award, this getting employed moment in time, but it's been hard and i love my people and think the world of them.