Sunday, October 15, 2017

Invisible Hayseeds


There is something about reading this story in this time.  I mean, Invisible Man.  Ralph Ellison.  The wunderkind of letters who penned only the one novel, prolific as it is. 

A moment comes in Ellison’s story when our main character, the nameless Brother, eulogizes the dead Tod Clifton.  He advises the mourners to go home and mourn no more as their mourning is impotent.  He chides them their inaction, their inability to organize and do anything, their complacency and willingness to be subjugated. 

Our nameless Brother, the Invisible Man, is a hayseed, too.  His every circumstance is a product of innocence, which underscores the fact the world has always suffered a dearth of real teachers. 
I prefer the classics and Invisible Man is just one I never happened onto previously.  However, my reading it coincided with the fact I have been in Chicago recently; the city of brotherhood.  The city of unions.  The city of high values and organized corruption.  The people are angry.  Every political discussion I was privy to, on the ‘L,’ on the tv, in the office, at the barbecue with so many Eastern Europeans, was derailed, derided, divisive, dehumanizing. 

My friend said all the violence is happening in six square blocks.  Someone else referred to it as black on black crime.  The morning after the President made a speech as part of the procession of speeches nominating Hillary Clinton for President I told my classroom I was back in a bromance with this President.  I had endured a season of disillusionment but now I was back.  I believed he was honorable.  80% of my classroom was black women and they practically cooed at me.  After all I was in the land of Obama. 

Dee, in the front row, smiled slyly at me and confirmed she would have been nowhere else but in front of her tv the night before. (That she said that felt like an unexpected surprise, like someone coming up to me standing in a long line and offering me a chair on wheels and a cool drink.  I needed to hear that from the people and Dee was the people.)  Dee being short for Deahjahnay, which is of course a pretty name, French sounding and unique and in no way obnoxious.  Other black women in the room nodded approval and I mentioned to Dee directly that President Obama had somehow regained my respect through no fault of his own but as my knowledge and insight grew and shrunk and changed and morphed. 

I am pissed about drones.  I don’t like that he appointed Federal Reserve Insider Timothy Geithner. He was the product of a corrupt campaign finance reform system, too.  He negotiated with unreasonable cavemen who were themselves products of a corrupt campaign finance system and who acted from every interest other than altruism. 

In this speech however he reminded me why I voted for him twice.  He is after all, an honorable man.  He operated within a corrupt system and ultimately succeeded beyond his rivals from the other side of the aisle, they the purveyors of a cruel sense of justice and morality.  He found a Xanadu of middle ground that seemingly did not exist between the establishment of corporate America and the moral right.  He pulled socially to the left.  He followed through on some truly noble ideas slam dunking gays in the military and re-opening relations with Cuba.  There is a real litany of good things this President’s legacy will include. 

On this night he spoke to me and a million other Bernie Sanders supporters of campaign finance reform.  His words?  He said, “Don’t Boo.  Vote.”  Three fucking words and he overwhelmed my ideas on this subject. 

Like many I am so indignant at our system.  How unjust.  How unrepresentative.  Like so many of the falsehoods I was given as an American born child here was another case that might cause so many to throw their hands in the air and choose to just fly off the rails or join the parade of soiled, silly, suckers of greed.  “Don’t Boo.  Vote,” he said.

He is right.  In the end it does come down to more than voting.  We have to work at voting.  We have to get others to vote.  We have to work fiercely.  We have to educate the electorate.  We have to invigorate the masses and create a social responsibility that becomes a cultural sea change. 
The people are mad now at Hillary Clinton for being yet another product of a corrupt campaign finance system.  They don’t know how to direct their anger.  They’re so pissed about how powerless they feel with their one vote-they are mad at the one person who has been fighting for the values they espouse, (discounting a few errors in judgment,) and who wins against the truly corrupt fascist pigs of and on the right.  It is as if they are mad at Hillary Clinton for being good at what she does.  They’re mad at her for playing their game and winning as if they want Donald Trump, or John Boehner, or Mitch McConnell, or Lindsay Graham, or any of these other creeps who hate fags, detest welfare, love war, want to sell America for their own personal gain, cheat to win, gerrymander, play to the lowest common denominator, use fear, race bait, bible thump, parade around in sheep’s clothing seeking whom they may next devour. 

“Don’t Boo, Vote,” he said.

Guilty.  I am guilty as charged by the President of the United States.  He got me.  I’m so indignant and yet, he is so right.  (And she is too.)  What a buffoon I am.

Not really.  My error is one of altruism and of not being satisfied with the slow pace of progress.  (I forgive myself.  I’m so big like that.) 

And so in a way we’re all hayseeds, we supporters of Bernie Sanders.  We are noble hayseeds.  Everyone should be a hayseed but still, we are hayseeds. 

This voting President Obama refers to will happen.  Campaign finance will change like Citizen’s United will be overturned like a woman’s right to choose will be safeguarded like our military budget will decline.  Eventually.  Change is slow, however in spite of corrections, moments of retrograde activity, things are getting better and history shows us this is true. 

Ellison’s great novel is as relevant today as ever. Similarly, it is as colorful and engaging and modern as ever.  The enmity between law enforcement and the people they are meant to protect and serve remains a constant in our society.  The hayseed is invisible.  Who listens?  Who knows?  What’s the quote from Baudelaire?  “The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity.”  (Okay, so I looked.  It’s WB Yeats’ poem, The Second Coming.) I always took that to mean the pure of heart have nothing to feel convicted about or for, while the liars, cheaters, connivers, the unjust and unkind, the wicked and inglorious, petty,  dishonest mother fuckers of the world tend to yell and scream because they're trying to convince you of something beyond fantastic.  They are trying to sell you a bill of goods.

Brother is treated with indignity after indignity in The Invisible Man.  His best nature, his altruism, his earnestness, they’re all fodder for those who would devour.  His intentions are golden at every turn but he is seen, in the South and in Harlem, as breaking from cherished norms or wanting to place himself above others. 

Obama chided us in the same way Ralph Ellison chided us.  Ellison understood what it meant to be invisibly black in America, to be absorbed into a socio-cultural belief system.  Obama understood what it took to ascend to high office in America.  He knew of what he spoke.  “Don’t Boo.  Vote,” he said rightly.  He was telling the hayseeds in the room and across America watching on their televisions, stop talking and go do.  He must have had this awakening at one time too, right?  The day he decided if he wanted to do something altruistic, if he wanted to help the under-served and underrepresented black communities on the south side of Chicago he had best go there and try to put some of his Harvard education into practice in the real world for the purpose of helping people better their lives. 

On a night that underscored the ultimate failure of the Bernie Sanders campaign and feeling like an insignificant hayseed I understand Obama’s message, (and Ellison’s too.)  I have to find ways to go do.  We all have to do that.  Ours is a utilitarian society and in so many ways the pressures of life, of economy, will pin us to a station, but the true hayseed must find ways. 

And so, Brother is a hero.  I admire him his gift of altruism.  I absolve him of whatever he has been accused of or blamed for.  Moreover, I am so thankful for reading this book now and not because some professor forced me to read it when I was 20-something and a different sort of hayseed altogether. 

Obama too, is a hero.  His dignity in the face of so much racism and ignorance is an example I hold up to my kids when I speak of emotional intelligence.  He is and has been for my family the Commander of Emotional Intelligence in Chief.  His ability for candor, his grace under attack, his empathy, they all were and are downright Presidential.  Hence why I adore him anew, in spite of the frustration I felt almost from Day 1 of his Presidency. 

Wednesday, October 04, 2017

Full Circle

I switched the radio as I drove the 60 westbound towards my office to NPR because I didn’t feel like bothering with a podcast or listening to all the NFL games rehashed ad nauseam.  They said a killer had mowed down some 40 or more people and injured hundreds of others at the Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas.  My Aunt works in that casino as a Pit Boss.  So as I listened to details I became increasingly concerned. 
 
A couple of years ago she had gotten me passes to go see some singer at “The Beach,” at Mandalay Bay.  I remember watching and listening to the show and looking back up over my shoulder at the façade of the hotel with all those windows where anyone might be looking down on the spectacle, perhaps unable to hear the music.  I imagined this shooter spraying The Beach with so many bullets from an AK-47.  I thought of my Aunt, who is as fun loving a person as there is, and her affinity for country music and how she always ends up getting a picture with the celebrity who happens into the casino.  (Just a couple of weeks earlier she could be seen on Facebook with one of the big boxers and a couple of years ago when my beloved Kings won the Stanley Cup she sent me pictures of her with one of our players a few days after the victory.) 
 
I worried she might have been there.  I did not yet know the event the monster aimed his weapon at was across the street.  So I called.  No answer.  I texted her: “Aunt Laura-I trust you are okay?”  Nothing.  I called again, this time not leaving a voice mail.  Then after some more driving as I arrived at work I texted her eldest son, my cousin Frank: “Cousin.  Have you heard from your Mom?”  He said he was calling her right then.  I responded by telling him I had called-no answer.  I said it was probably a crazy scene and maybe she had only gotten to bed a couple of hours ago and so she was probably sleeping. 
 
Frank called me 90 minutes later.  He said he had spoken to his youngest brother, Vinny, and that Aunt Laura was fine.  When she was evacuated, he said, they did not let her go get her purse or her cell phone or anything…
 
It was an odd couple of hours to start the day.  I consumed the requisite news stories about the person, the victims and the events around the tragedy.  I knew my Aunt was okay.  I expected she was inside the casino and not across the street at a country music concert.  Still, I contemplated her death and I contemplated my own death and I considered so many deaths and I struggled with the tragedy that was. 
 
I imagined this destroyer and I wondered what he was like as a boy.  He was 64, I thought?  64?  I had rage all the way to 40 and I think I was an outlier.  Men should be angry in their 20s but 64?  What was he like as a child?  Was he a demon-seed?  Did he know laughter and the unbearable lightness of being?  Did he love?  Was he loved?  I mean real love-did he ever feel like he would die for someone if it came down to it, if a deranged man was shooting from atop a perch into a crowd for example?  Did he ever love someone like that?  
 
I don’t want to think of this ghoul of a man as simply that.  I don’t want to just say, evil, and let it be that.  I don’t want to earmark as monster and move on.  I want the gun control but gun control is certainly not enough for me.  When he was a baby was he evil?  When he soldiered into his 1st grade classroom sans his mama was he a monster then, too?  When he had his first kiss?  I can’t humanize what is  human.  I want to know what happened.  I am quite sure as a baby he just wanted love and to give love back.  What the fuck happened to a man that he meticulously plans to amass a stockpile of artillery in a hotel room for the purpose of reigning fire down upon the heads of so many human revelers, out for the evening with their favorite partners and friends, enjoying the end of Summer with the soundtrack of their lives, killing them en masse?  What twisted him and made him into such an aberration?
 
I felt relief from the mounting tension when I did not know.  I eased back into a project I was working on and finally made some progress.  Right around lunchtime a coworker walked into my office and informed me Tom Petty had died.  Tom Petty, I marveled?  Hadn’t I just watched like a 4-hour documentary on this guy a few months ago on Netflix?  Wasn’t he relatively young?  I googled and quickly discovered it was true.  Cardiac arrest.  Death in heaping portions this morning. 
 
Thing is I am not a big Tom Petty enthusiast.  I think of Refugee as a classic song for sure.  A couple of others were good.  I had put American Girl on a cd we played during childbirth for Terra.  Still, death is.  Tom Petty, cut down at 66.
 
Later after picking up the kids from school on the drive home I played a song by REM; The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight.  Those lyrics.  I explained to Mark in the back seat who Michael Stipe is.  I said this singer is kind of retired now as he’s getting a bit long of tooth, (Mark loves when I use outdated colloquialisms.)  Mark liked the song, which pleased me to no end. 
 
When Mark or Terra likes the song I feel capable of living on.  When I read those rock and roll biographies there is always that step dad who turned Jeff Buckley on to led Zeppelin at an early age, or the Dad who loved opera, or what have you.  I think of my own Dad and how born again he was and opposed to all things rock and roll, but every now and then he would let it slip.  What?!  His favorite song when he was in high school was Time is on My Side by the Stones?!  Or when Bob Dylan went all Christian I discovered he knew all these songs I had never heard of.  Everybody Must Get Stoned, indeed…
 
This is life.  These are the things of life.  And now that Michael Stipe is retired, now that my occasional glimpse is limited to him popping up all tarot card Hermit looking on Stephen Colbert’s show to sing a duet with the host.  Now that I ponder this great American Singer, and think back to the time he wore all those t-shirts on the VMA's, or consider how fiercely private he is about aspects of his life.  I realize now that my respect for Michael Stipe is nothing short of love.  It is ardor and adoration for sure but it is love.  There are a million possibilities for how one conducts himself in public or how one accepts celebrity.  Michael Stipe’s way has been one of utter integrity.
 
Michael Stipe once said his favorite REM song was Fall On Me.  That is my favorite REM song, too.  It is a simply profound protest.  As we headed home I sang along knowing Mark was memorizing lyrics.  He has a gift for that, I think. 
 
“Today I need something more sub-sub-sub-substantial,” I sang.  “A can of beans or black-eyed peas, some Nescafe and ice.”  It felt good to sing these words.  I had not listened to this song in forever.  REM, such artists.  Incorporating The Lion Sleeps Tonight, into their modern pop song and also drawing on myriad references from Americana and life in these times.  “A candy bar, a falling star, or a reading of Dr. Seuss.”  At the mention of Dr. Seuss a mass of emotion roiled in my stomach and chest suddenly, like nausea or joy or a car crash.  I reached inward past the wave of emotion to draw the composure I needed to stifle my Mini breakdown. 
 
I know the reference to Dr. Seuss piqued Mark’s interest.  I could see he was listening intently back there.  Terra was listening too but Mark was dialed in and I know this reference to someone he knows and appreciates resonated with him even if he did not quite understand the context.  
 
So it was I drove down Santa Anita Avenue stifling the urge to cry.  I would cry because I love my son and I want to influence him so positively.  My ego would also cry at the longing to be remembered.  I would cry because Michael Stipe is a beautiful, dignified man of the world I too, inhabit.  I would cry for my Aunt, who continues to be of my closest family and my primary link to a Mother who departed a long, long time ago.  I would cry at the thought of my Aunt crying until noon the following day.  (Her heart is tender-she has always cried so easily.)  I would cry for so many victims, too many victims, lives cut short and interrupted by dark, random chaos, by deep psychosis.  I would cry for their people, so angry and confused and disillusioned and, angry.  And sadsad.  Profoundly sad.  Depression…  I would cry too upon hearing the stories of people who held dying strangers for two hours as they slowly succumbed.  I could cry at the remarkable beauty, the random acts of love seen or unseen but always there with our kind.  I would cry at the consideration of how a person takes on such darkness, contemplates such evil and acts upon it. 
 
The kids asked a few questions about the horror in Las Vegas.  Terra shared something she heard from one of the youth leaders at the Y.  I explained that the shooter was obviously ill in a way that is hard to comprehend and I let them know Aunt Laura was okay.  I showed them the picture of my Aunt next to the CNN reporter in the aftermath.  Terra asked if the reporter interviewed her.  Mark did not recognize Aunt Laura.  And so it is emotional days happen...


Aunt Laura behind reporter mid-evacuation

In the aftermath if I cry I will cry from counting my blessings.  I will cry at the richness of life that is my children and my career and my avocations. I will cry at my good health.  I will cry at the luxury of crying I will cry at the knowledge that Everybody Hurts.