trailing the number of dead. . .

on my way to pick up a blt and some fries today for lunch, i found myself trailing a black volvo with a sign in its back window. (i thought it was interesting too, the car had no bumper stickers whatsoever but did have this sign scrawled on a square of cardboard and wedged into that space at the rear window.) it said, (ominously enough. . .)

1,509 Dead
11,220 Wounded

i assume this is the number of american casualties in iraq, (because there has to be more dead iraqis than 1,509.) and i've heard it on news programs recently, "the number of americans dead in iraq climbed over the 1,000 mark today. . ." so what remains is this question: how do i feel about 12,729 american lives permanently affected by this war? (rilke said i should love the questions but this one really puts that idea to the test.)

well, i don't feel good. i was 20 and stationed overseas once. i was not called into action, thankfully. in fact, i considered becoming a conscientious objector at one point but decided living up to my commitment was important too. i sat down with a friend who happened to work in our civilian base personnel office and we talked about why i was opposed to making war as well as what my role, should i enter a combat zone, would be. i was a firefighter in the air force so i would have been involved in putting out fires and, as an emt, scooping up the injured more than putting them in that position. i had two years to go-i stayed at it.

i'm thankful i did not see war. at the time, i was reading the bible and just felt like war was not of jesus. he said turn the other cheek. i was in the world's largest war-making machine. he said be ye in this world but not of this world. i had joined uncle sam's forces and was stationed 5 minutes f-16 flying time from russia's largest naval port.

when i first understood we were going to war in iraq i was getting ready to welcome my first child into the world. i imagined if the baby had been a boy and if this was all happening 18 years in the future, my family would be moving to canada. i am not in the slightest bit ashamed of saying that. our reasons for going to war were beyond poor. not only was iraq not a threat, they were the easiest target available. despite the presence of the proverbial despot, there were other tyrants at large in the world. the way i saw it, any man with a modicum of wisdom could see our reasons for going to war were first, not what our leadership proclaimed them to be, and second, not righteous.

none the less, we went to war. hundreds have died because of this conflict. at this point it is difficult to discern if those who continue to oppose the us do so from a need to self-determine or if they are trying to regain a power lost. as for us, we claim to be there out of altruism, to nurture democracy and establish the rule of law and order. those things are surely worth fighting for but based on how all this got started, it is impossible not to recognize we could have gone into niger or east timor or colombia or haiti to thwart sinister powers and establish law and order. add into the equation the long history we have with saddam hussein and the whole oil theory becomes more and more likely.

all these casulaties to keep us in oil? seriously? it seems to be true. i read recently malnutrition is at an all-time high for iraq's children, worse than burundi or haiti. i think the numbers in the window of that volvo represented but a fraction of the ongoing tragedy and i, for one, do not feel good about it at all.