disappointment

i preface this piece with a word about the importance of recognizing a moment in time, not being trapped by it or held hostage, but rather admitting a temporary defeat, understanding the sheer humanity of it, and learning to entertain the idea of a next day when everything is glorious, birds chirp, trees provide cool, breezy shade, food is brilliant and love is sublimely cradling my every step and gesture.

sometimes it weighs.

i come home from a disappointment disappointed. i would be angry but i'm too tired for that, too disappointed to express the energy of anger. i wake the next morning to the upbeat sound of a radio show host talking about the loons of the fox news network and i am disappointed it is time to get up and about the situation in iraq. i trudge to my dresser then to the shower where i am disappointed by the performance of the drain. it is clogged and the water, along with the soil and soap scum i generate, builds around my ankles. toweling off, i am disappointed at how creaky my knees are from playing ball the previous night. age is disappointing and the mirror only highlights my need to exercise, which my knees and back disagree with like outmanned troops on a battlefield. my hairline is receding and time takes its toll on my person in several ways.

i am disappointed in myself as i am late arriving to work. the work i find in my virtual inbox is disappointing but then, not so much in comparison to how i felt about coming to work in the first place. i find it can be endured. i am disappointed by the urge to orally gratify myself but the trail mix i reach for tastes good and time passes.

after two hours of working i look over to my right and find my first moment of joy this day. a picture of terra with her lips pursed, a close up of her face with a quizzical, honest look about her, catches me off guard as if i'd never seen it and i smile, (inwardly if not outwardly.)
the moment is fleeting.

i am disappointed i am not in a higher position. i am disappointed about reporting to my boss, a person i find lacking in too many ways to enumerate. i am disappointed by the effort it takes to mend relations with her, trying to make her feel secure and like my intentions are golden in trying only to please her and make her look good, while also wanting those above her to recognize my value to the organization in the proportion i see it in. office politics disappoint me.

i am disappointed by the status quo. things can be better, i know they can.

i am disappointed by my many coworkers who make happy all day, every day. i wonder if they crash later in the day. i wonder if they crash every day. i wonder how ugly it is when they crash. i hope they do not crash but experience tells me sometimes they do.

i am disappointed by spending eight hours a day, five days a week, toiling in an office, creating trainings and managing people and updating records and talking to customers and coaching representatives and having lunch.

i am disappointed when my phone rings and someone requires something of me. i am disappointed when things do not go right at work. i am also disappointed when they do because my job, (like so many,) is hardly a challenge at all. surely a rhesus monkey could do it.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/nature/wildfacts/pictpops/473.shtml

lunch disappoints me. perhaps "bores," would be a better word than "disappoints."

i am disappointed i still live check to check. i am disappointed i have not shown the discipline to save money after all these years. i am disappointed i still rent. i am disappointed people with short attention spans can claim they have attention deficit syndrome, (they have a diagnosis,) while instant gratification syndrome has not yet received the status of official diagnosis. surely i have igs. my bar tab should serve as evidence. what kind of an idiot would spend so freely on beers and prepared food except the one who cannot control his own impulses to please himself instantaneously?

i am disappointed when i have two more hours in the office before i take my leave. i am disappointed when i do leave at what i have not accomplished. i am disappointed in what my company has become and how they treat me, the average guy. i am disappointed i have not up and left by finding another job with a more employee friendly company.

i am disappointed by how full i feel after lunch, but i am pleased with my dessert, two red vines. i am disappointed my company has increased restrictions on internet use through our i.t. department barring me from blogging from my office, (during lunch, of course.) i wonder if updating my fantasy baseball team, a morning ritual, will be next.

i am disappointed by how much work there is in life, (voltaire be damned.) it seems to me, we the masses work in order to sustain while a class above us reaps far greater rewards for our efforts. i recognize it is nearly impossible to live a creative life without starting out wealthy. but i want to find my own way to make my life rewarding in that way. i want to create things for me. i want to take in as much as i can-it is the books and articles i read, the music i listen to, the art i feel upon viewing, the movies that move me, that enrich my life and nourish my being. it is important for me to make time for these things. i can't get too ridiculous about dusting fixing the fixture in the bathroom.

i am not quite ecstatic when my time to leave work arrives. there is a feint sense of ecstasy within but it just feels too deep to quite define. i can discern it is a good feeling though, so i focus on it. it seems like a little red tootsie roll pop buried at my own mushy center, emanating a goodness that fails to reach me but remains nearly within reach none the less.

traffic is disappointing. mine is a tiny drive home and i am used to the traffic emanating from la and going my way but still, all these cars, all these people. who was it that said the planet is a living organism and like any organism it has diseases and humans are the earth's disease?

picking terra up from the babysitters is a joy. it's my first moment of the day when i forget about everything that disappoints me. i see her smile back at me and the noise of life ceases but doesn't become nothing. it becomes better than nothing. there is a clear stillness, not ringing air but a crystalline sense, a hyper-awareness, and the babysitters voice and the bark of buster the dog, are pleasant accompaniment to the clarity and terra wiggles in my arms and the involuntary recognition is like an unexpected gift. how sweet.

i bring her home and a bowel movement makes me feel healthy. but disappointment is persistent and there are household chores lurking around every corner. some days i tackle one. some days i need to lay down after baby-proofing the room and read a spell. i need that, sometimes. and if terra naps, i may nap though i feel somewhat guilty for not doing more than my very basic every day tasks like cleaning baby bottles and taking out various things.

faith deserves more.

dinner disappoints me. i enjoy cooking but rarely do it. going to a restaurant costs money i shouldn't spend. faith's meals require her to do work in addition to her feeding the baby and (hopefully,) taking over for me at some point in the evening to give me time to spend watching a game or reading a book or writing before bed.

insomnia can be diagnosed but who wants to tax the liver with meds for sleeping. i endure and sometimes i have weeks of getting to sleep quickly and easily. but not in the hot months. the thoughts of finances and my relationship and plans and responsibilities and insecurities about my performance as a father, (among other things,) open my pores and make me aware of my digestive tract.

sleep comes one to two hours later. it is disappointing i spend two of my waking hours trying not to be awake.