why i drink

i am thinking about someone who got drunk at my wedding and i wonder if they are chagrined by the fact. i sincerely hope not. i think the act, in and of itself, (the act of getting drunk, that is,) is often one of giving.

i think people often drink when they are nervous. in the social setting that is a wedding, where strangers are brought together to dine and celebrate, the mixing can be a daunting affair. perhaps the person i am thinking of got drunk from nervousness, wanting to impress or to avoid embarrassing, wanting to feel at ease and be at ease, wanting to be cool and easy-going and friendly? thank you for drinking at my wedding. i appreciate that you came.

in a similar vein, people often drink to lower inhibitions and allow themselves to come out a bit. perhaps this person drank because they wanted to join in the celebration and do so in a somewhat less inhibited way than they expected they might have otherwise?

i am like that. i like to drink but i don't necessarily like the effect alcohol has on my body. i tolerate that for the greater benefit as i see it. when i drink i find i feel more freedom to engage people in conversation, to express myself openly, and i enjoy that effect.

when it comes to others, i am frustrated by my own inability to connect with some people.
it bothers me that at work, i cannot speak my mind. instead, i am reigned in by social mores and boundaries of political correctness. so i enjoy opportunities to drink with people i work with or others who might be inhibited to speak frankly about just about anything.

i do not mean to glorify a vice, but i like to drink and i like when others drink. pirandello said we all wear masks and we are always wearing masks. i consider alcoholic beverage the best mask remover. if people did not wear masks. . .

if i could speak as freely at work or even around my friends as i am able to do in a bar, i would have no use whatsoever for alcohol. but in my time, that is a fairy tale. around my very best friends i am free to speak as i would. when they disagree with me they tolerate me because we are friends and we see this as a key component of our friendship. around other friends, i am forced to honor certain limits. if we disagree, it must be handled like a business transaction. there is an unspoken rule not to offend. it is implied that every person's opinion is equally valuable and so, one cannot speak with too great a force or too much passion lest another feel overwhelmed or slighted. it would be rude to make someone feel like that. (this may or may not be a backwards thought.)

in public life, at work or in business, the restrictions are even greater. i do not feel free to speak of my religious convictions at work. i cannot breach the subject of politics with a stranger at a ball game.

when i was younger i did not have much to say. i was more interested in listening and learning. at the same time, i admired those who did have something to say. i appreciated those who spoke with passion. it seemed the most natural state of things. in applying logic to it all, i figured this was the example of the pebbles in the sack polishing one another and i figured the strongest ideas and arguments would come to the fore not by being the most blustery but rather by the sheer strength of the substance. that may sound optimistic but i've seen jerry falwell yelling and screaming from a pulpit on tv, filled with the most passionate intensity and righteous rage, and i've read another preacher, ralph waldo emerson, whispering to me from a page, the quiet sage, and there is no compare.

after i had gained more experience in the world and gotten a bit more comfortable, i gained stronger opinions about the world around me. these opinions were often rooted in my experience and so, i became enamored with conversation and this may very well be where my fancy for drinking began.

i remember taking a college psychology course and the instructor went around the room on the first day and asked us all what we enjoyed doing with our free time and feeling emboldened by the fun nature of the question i said i enjoyed staying up late drinking with my friends and discussing philosophy and ideas. the instructor laughed and said 'we all enjoy[ed] that.' and i think that is true. deep down, i think we all do enjoy that. i mean, we all enjoy the freedom to express ourselves however we want. in our world where political correctness has gained sway, it has a fantasyland appeal to it.

i think of the homosexual closet and all those who want to get out and run around freely expressing their innate desire to interior decorate something. i think of those who live in north korea or elsewhere where fascism dictates their ability to express on any number of levels and i wish for them the freedoms they do not feel. i think of the girl who had the abortion who feels like she cannot speak about it for fear of being judged and i ache for her because i know she is not evil and i know she meant no harm and i know this inability to talk it out, not with counselors but with her peers, her aunts and uncles, her coworkers and such, the product of which is the inability to find closure, to understand what may have been wrong in her actions or thoughts and what may have sprung from ignorance or whatever other psychological condition, is destroying her.

in the bar i see a lot of people who have found the place because they needed to speak freely. i see marks and lines on their faces indicating hidden traumas. and sometimes these things come out of them and i listen and wish they did not have to put on a show all day every day acting like they are the joneses of the world, just as good as you but really just as insecure as you, and maybe this too is my story. i had a difficult childhood and like everyone, i have pains in my life, in my family.

i wish we could speak freely but we can't. it's just not the world we live in. we need contact with people more than we need to speak.

still, i drink as a respite to this condition. i think a functioning anything is a plus and, i like beer. i drink so that others may feel more free. i drink so that i may feel more free.