Sunday, August 05, 2007

asterisk

(Dateline; Milwaukee) In one day, Barry Bonds' career homerun total declined by 112. In a stunning announcement, Major League Baseball announced today the removal of the assumed asterisk by Bonds' homerun total.

Commissioner Bud Selig's office released a statement which outlined a calculation by which Bonds' homerun total has been reduced to 643 and said Selig would be available for comment at a press conference in Milwaukee at 9am (CST) Monday morning.

"Every Bonds homerun was looked at both by actual film clips and statistics from the Elias sports bureau," said JQ Publick, spokesperson for Commissioner Selig's office.

"A formula was derived for calculating the impact of steroids on Mr. Bonds' homeruns which determined the strength enhacing drugs added, on average, about seven feet to his blasts," Publick added.

By subtracting 7' from each of Bonds' homeruns, Major League Baseball determined 112 of those bases clearing hits would not have cleared the outfield wall, (without the drug enhancement.) "It is common knowledge that Bonds cheated," said a source who refused to be identified from the Elias Sports bureau. "This adjustment seeks to recognize Bonds' true status as a homerun king, while demoting him from the undeserved perch of the homerun king."

Bonds could not be reached by telephone but the San Francisco Giants released a statement which indicated Bonds' response would be tendered in a federal courtroom. The Giants' statement also suggested the organization is considering a uniform modification for the remainder of the season in protest to this decision.

Peter Gammons, of ESPN News, said he understood the decision to adjust Bonds' official homerun total involved discussion about other hitter's totals as well as game outcomes but in the end, the league had decided that in order to market this record as the greatest in all of organized sports, it would have to be responsible for protecting the sanctity of the mark. Therefore, the league has adjusted Bonds's homerun totals without affecting any other statistics whatsoever.

"The asterisk will now be up to Bonds' supporters to insert," Gammons said by phone from his home in Boston. "Certainly if he hits number 644 tomorrow, Barry Bonds' fan club may consider it number 756 on his website, with an asterisk, whether in print or imagined. "However, baseball's records will show it as 644."

According to sources from the league office, every Bonds homerun going forward will count no matter how slightly it may clear the fence. The league stands by its substance abuse policies and believes no cheaters remain in the league who can still go undetected as Bonds did for several years.

As to whether the league would adjust the career totals of other accused steroids users, that same source said it would only interfere in such a way if this record, (or another of similar magnitude,) came into jeopardy.

As to whether Bonds or Sheffield or Giambi or any of the others looks like the more prolific homerun hitter on paper when their careers are over, the league source said controversy fuels debate which is one of the most fun and interesting activities of baseball fans. "There will always be someone around who says Bonds is the greatest homerun hitter ever," the source said. "The league however and the official statistics will not support that claim. "Further, it is thought that Bonds' supporters will usually be outnumbered, lose the argument and occasionally get humiliated for supporting a cheater."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

this is a joke, right?