joy

terra has moments when she thinks no one is watching and she is so excited and she clenches up her fists and shakes them in front of her in pure glee while she laughs or lets out some verbal expression of joy and i am always taken back to how i did the same thing regularly when i was a kid. in fact, i exclusively did that when i thought no one was looking. (perhaps when i was older i became less self-conscious about it.) it was like there was a bubble of joy welling up inside me and i could not contain it any longer so i would make those fists of happiness and clench up my face in a twisted smile and blood would rush to my head and i would shake with joy for just a moment. and afterwards, i felt better. it was like a nervous release. i had a tough childhood, (i know, who didn't,) so i learned early on to expect the worse. some bad things happened when i was young and in some cases, i had not the least expectation those bad things were coming my way until i was deeply entrenched in the circumstance, looking a monster in the teeth or realizing someone was not who they proclaimed to be or who they were supposed to be to me. so i remember my first christmas in particular with my aunt and uncle. instead of two presents, i received around 25. i must have did that thing i did, that clenching and shaking nervous joy thing, about 18 times over the next couple of days. it was a haze. and i don't guess i am capable of such joy today. those outer edges of mine emotion are hardly accessible and i feel good about that. in order to know that kind of joy gibran says we must know the same degree of pain and with that in mind, i find the middle comforting. i am glad terra mimics me in this way. for me it is an outward expression of our bond and our relationship and in a very simple way, it just makes me feel good. if i could do it on purpose, i would clench up my fists right now and turn them inward, forearms parallel to my body with fists just below my chin and i would shake them and smile and growl just a little bit. man that would feel good.