signs

i think humans are all the same for the most part. i mean, i think eggs are eggs and sperm are sperm and while we may look different in many ways, we are all just the same and subject to our environments. moreover, i think we are all pretty much exactly where we want to be, (in life,) and i think we broadcast ourselves daily.

with this in mind i have been considering what my appearance says about me. i think my wrinkles say something about me, about my age. the gray hairs and soft middle also give clues, (along with the slow march of my hairline.)

recently i have developed a phobia related to heights. i think it says something about me. it represents a malady. it feels like the first stage of alzheimers, which i also think is a sign-a sign of illness. i mean, isn't adhd just a clinical way of saying short attention span, or victim of marketing? even obesity, i am sure some suffer it because of a real flaw of chromosomes or a physical ailment, but they are the minority and the rest are merely compensating for feelings of inadequacy, (or ignorance.) they do not have the will to live a life of discipline. maybe they eat and do not exercise as a covert means of sneaking away from their abilities or their best selves.

i own a measure of that group, too. my metabolism has changed but i have not chosen the path towards better health and wellness through disciplined exercise and healthy eating. i sit softly on the precipice of obesity. is it laziness? yeah, it is. and ignorance. i am aware and blind at the same time.

i wonder too about people with skin problems or clinical depression or hunchbacks. what about drug or alcohol addictions?

i know some healthy people. of course, even they have areas where they fall short. (all things are shades of gray after all. right?) but relatively speaking, there is a class of people who are fit and look youthful for their age and work hard in their careers and in their lives and who have good social lives and are well balanced in most ways and who do not need idols nor crutches and who practice moderation in all things and who have a healthy sense of humor, live in the moment, plan ahead, practice kindness, accept responsibility, avoid excuses and pursue nobility.

in myself i have come to recognize the capacity to make poor choices and i am familiar with those areas where i, in fact, do still make poor choices, (regularly.) i am always trying to be better all the same.

"a man is only as sick as his secrets."

the people i know who hide things about themselves make me a little sad because i know the adage is true. they hide the pills they take or the jealousy they harbor. they hide the things they say about others. they compartmentalize their lives in order to keep track of things. it seems they think they are better for the lies, too, as if the fooling others more than offsets their own knowledge of their own lies.

in some part i think this is the secret of life. i often refer to it as karma, which stands in for my more complicated theory but in reality it hinges on being honest with oneself.

emerson suggested we all publish ourselves in every way, (every day.) (on a side note, i read through the first half of emerson's complete works about four years ago then had to set it down. i could not allow myself to read it all in a month because i refuse to read books twice and so, because his writing was in many ways profound, i had to interrupt myself and my learning in order to wait a season before finishing it. i plan on getting back to it in another couple of years or so.)

the point of all this rambling is this; when i recognize a personal ill, even if it is by some outward sign of that illness, i try to identify the cause and see if i can make a change. a few years ago i was especially unhappy in my job. i had endured a hard season and just when light should have appeared at the end of a tunnel, it stayed dark. the dissatisfaction forced me to search for the cause of my despair and i realized that i could spend my entire career in the spot i was in and that if i did that, i was going to feel like i had failed in some part by not venturing forth and challenging myself. i imagined rationalizing a long career in the contact center i had already been in for 12 years to my daughter some day when she arrived at adulthood and i thought it would be a hard sell because i would have spent years raising her in such a way as i would have lead her to believe i was capable of so much more than what i would have been had i sat tight in that place and played it safe.

this is not to pat myself on the back, however. sometimes i get it right and other times i fail miserably, like most of us i suppose. i just think it is a good to recognize that i am not hiding anything from myself, (even when i try.) i know everything about me.

(art is john goudie lynch's the inner self.)