confrontation

so i was out with some friends in a bar recently and we got to talking politics. actually, i don't like the word politics. it makes the subject sound like a game, like we're talking about our favorite teams or the ones we despise. in fact what we call politics is the actions of the powerful that affect us all.

so we got to talking about the debt ceiling and the struggle democrats and republicans are engaged in at the centers of power. my friend greg makes hundreds of thousands of dollars per year as a mortgage banker. i don't know the exact number but i think he literally makes between $350k and $500k. that's a lot of money. i don't begrudge greg his success. i have known him for nearly 30 years. he is a good person and he has a beautiful family. having said that, over the last bunch of years as his wealth has grown i have noticed his views have changed. it's not that he was liberal and became conservative, (or what have you.) it is more that he was apathetic and he became interested. he grew a viewpoint, if you will.

my friend sid, who represents the cross between greg and i in that sid is one of my closest friends and he and greg are also close, cracked a couple of jokes about how obama is a socialist who wants to spend all this money he doesn't have. it bothers me to hear stuff like this. in fact i actually think it is important to combat views like this when i am confronted with them. to me they are born of ignorance and they wreak ignorance.

so greg chimed in and compared raising the debt ceiling to opening a new credit card to make payments on five other credit cards. first, that is not an inaccurate comparison. that said, the united states of america is and has always has been the most reliable debt the planet has known, so it is different, too. our country has and does pay its bills and a big part of that is because of the nation's earning power. the united states is wealthier than bill gates, (so far, anyway. [i said gates, not jobs.]) ultimately greg's point made me cringe because to me it is simple ideology masking as a meaningful quip. and while we can all wish we weren't in the position of needing to open a new card to pay down five others, or raising the debt ceiling, we are because we have been financing two absolutely inane, immoral wars and we just participated in the greatest transfer of wealth, (upward,) in the history of humankind.

i said as much to greg and to all of my friends there, really, at a tavern in a sleepy hillside community. greg joked back that i was somehow just mad about not being wealthy. he laughed to indicate it was a joke and i have to say i was not offended by the remark. it's not true-why would i be offended? but then i saw a couple of my other friends laugh. i'm not sure if they thought about it and saw it as funny or if they just wanted to make greg feel comfortable since he was laughing. they did laugh a little bit though. just enough really, to bug the shit out of me.

so i leaned into the middle of our group and i told greg his position did not bother me because at least in his case it was self interest. i said he was merely defending his class and protecting his interests since the policies of the republican party, (and especially the policies of the tea baggers,) was to fend for the wealthy. i elaborated by way of saying what did piss me off was those who espoused those values against their own self interest, in other words those in the middle class who are angry at entitlement programs, (examples of the social pact for the common good that has been a part of this country's values since day one,) who think illegal immigration is the big bad wolf, who think one day they will be rich and when the realization that upward mobility is all but dead in our society they adjust their view to blame the various bugaboos of the day such as taxation, and illegal immigration. my other friends, (and i should say all of these particular friends are religious,) seemed offended but it was greg, (again,) who commented. he laughed my remark off again and said something about how it was democrats who were ignorant for thinking they could just spend willy nilly.

i was probably four feet from greg when i lunged with my right fist. i really threw the punch from too far away and so i passed the point of maximum force by maybe a foot before my fist landed slightly but squarely on the edge of greg's jaw. as he fell backwards with a look of shock on his face, i tried to get on top of him, over him actually. instinctively i wanted to bust him in the face a few good ones. sid and another peacemaker from high school, tom, (a todd marinovich's dad if ever there was one,) grabbed me at the shoulders and tried to get legs in front of me to keep from falling on top of greg like an ambush. i did not say a word. my jaw was clenched and i was focused, determined. they were yelling at me to relax and backup. sid gave me a brief monologue on how we were all good friends and we shouldn't let politics and different views bring us to violence. by us he meant me.

i let my weight fall to try to get that one good shot in, the one i craved like something more than chocolate or an energetic drunkenness or an illicit evening with a former lover, but those guys caught my weight and pulled me away from my mean-spirited, ignorant prey. greg landed on his ass and rolled backwards onto his back, and reached at his jaw as if his touch would somehow relieve pain. he whined about what the eff was wrong with me and he actually suggested he might sue me.

the thing was, (is, really,) greg's views have real consequences. irresponsible americans who can't study, don't care to turn a critical eye on themselves or their choices, do not actively work to be better humans or feel any sense of responsibility towards their fellow man, they are disproportionately to blame for the disparate power of corporations, the influence of cash in our government, our wars, our facilitation of high crimes, and the list goes on... these things affect people's lives. they create the kinds of real human hardships that result in unnecessary pressures, broken families, poor parenting, self loathing and so on. i guess i have just been too close to those things and i want to make change.

i have had experiences when i needed to be angry and focused and able to confront physically. i was at a party once where this guy had been drunk and passed out and was put into a bedroom. later, he woke and in another room he overheard me talking to his girlfriend. there was a slight flirtation in the conversation but nothing too overt and it certainly was not leading to anything. it was social gymnastics. from out of that bedroom he came like a demon, raising his voice only when he was within a step of me. he reached for me with his left hand and cocked his right arm. i put my arms up to block a forthcoming punch and scrambled to my feet and he got me right in the eye. immediately i felt a sting and sensed puffiness. a couple of guys grabbed the guy and pushed him away. my heart raced and my breath quickened. my mind scanned a catalog of reactions and vacillated between demonstrative rage and just letting the guys who were holding him work him outdoors. it went the way of the latter and the truth is, i wasn't that angry. my senses were heightened. i had some fear, some fight or flight and some survival instinct but mostly i just thought about what a fucking cro-magnon man this guy was and how angry he was. i considered going out after the guy. my eye was swelling and i knew i would have a shiner. i was offended-the guy's fist had invaded the space occupied by my face, but i wasn't particularly angry, or angry in the measure you might expect. i was pissed but what was i going to do? hunt the guy down? hatch a plot to murder him? run outside and attack him as if a little more violence would make some meaningful difference in this unfortunate event?

when i think about the people who allow the tea baggers to flourish because they don't know and can't analyze history, (thereby doomed to repeat it,) when i hear these same people promoting their ill advised, misguided world views, i get pissed because i know the real and far-reaching consequences of their laziness. i can't help but feeling violent. in a way i am a humanist terrorist. i have laughably little power and by the sheer force of culturization and happenstance, my friendships, (my enduring friendships,) color me an islamic fundamentalist amidst a sea of western influences. i am backed into a corner. there is nothing i can do to stem the tide of ignorance. and so i am mad, mad like a boxer and mad like a hatter.

i screwed that once casual friendship. greg and i have not spoken since i attacked him. my other friends think i owe him an apology. sid told me to call him if i want some help figuring out how to approach greg. (smug jerk.) it will be some time before he and i speak again as well. i don't need these friendships. i have enjoyed them from nostalgia recently but otherwise i have changed in ways that mark me as significantly different from this crowd. i want these friendships. i think they say something about me. they keep me connected to foreign ideas so i don't feel aloof and they allow me to take off my seriousness like a wool cloak. because of the ubiquitous volatility, i, (we. actually,) spend whatever time we have together, laughing and joking. in time that will wear on me but in the past so long as it was not too interminable a period, i have enjoyed getting together with my old friends.

now i have to reevaluate. am i unstable or am i the sane one? honestly, i think i am the sane one. while i never intended to administer some sort of universal flow or karma, i do feel like a vessel that was just there when a little straight right was one hundred percent appropriate.