in memoriam: (big) gary patterson

“There are books which we read early in life, which sink into our consciousness and seem to disappear without leaving a trace. And then one day we find, in some summing-up of our life and put attitudes towards experience, that their influence has been enormous.”
― Anaïs Nin

so it is with men and acquaintances.  some come and go.  some are present forever and others pass in a moment but when they leave the earth and we reflect on them we come to realize their true stature. 

in the summer i reached the age of 12 my family, (as it were,) moved to 812 north calvados avenue in covina, california, 91723.  we moved in next door to a gigantic catholic family called the pattersons, the patriarch of whom was gary patterson, a man if ever there was one.

big gary was ubiquitous in that neighborhood.  he presided over it like the mayor and his children: cindy, patty, gary, laurie and mark, along with his wife marge and any number of other relatives who might have been temporarily residing at 804 north calvados avenue, were his ambassadors to the community.  big gary always knew what was going on in our neighborhood and beyond extending out to the covina valley. 

he passed a few days ago, no doubt leaving a gaping hole to be filled by his progeny and those he touched, (including myself.)  i had not been in close contact with the pattersons recently.  i saw big gary at my wedding some six years ago.  he was in good health after having lost a substantial amount of weight and i was so pleased to have him and marge attend our celebration that i had to drunkenly walk him out to his car and talk his ear off the whole way lavishing praise on him for his influence in my life.  in retrospect i did a poor job and i would like to correct that here and now even if only for myself.

big gary was love incarnate.  he was not divisive.  he was not political.  he was not small in any way, shape or form.  he played large, always.  big gary was a true believer in the teachings of jesus christ and the bible as evidenced by his devotion to church and his affiliations including the knights of columbus.  he preached the gospel of christ daily but not verbally, rather by example.  he was gentle.  he oozed loving kindness.

what is a man?  big gary was a mechanic and could repair an automobile.  he owned a liquor store at one time.  he played the tuba in the covina concert band.  he adored his wife.  he was a master photographer for a season and built his own darkroom in the back of his garage.  big gary was the definition of a family man.  he was a camper and late in life, well after i had left town and lost contact, he became ordained and ministered to the local police department as chaplain.

“The more one forgets himself – by giving himself to a cause to serve or another person to love – the more human he is and the more he actualizes himself. What is called self-actualization is not an attainable aim at all, for the simple reason that the more one would strive for it, the more he would miss it. In other words, self-actualization is possible only as a side-effect of self-transcendence.”
-viktor frankl

big gary transcended.  he called his children "honey," and kissed them goodnight on the lips.  when he gave advice he never quoted the bible or held up some ridiculous example of perfection as that thing to strive for.  rather he accepted people where they were and with all of their faults and he practiced compassion.  big gary did not get angry.  when his children erred, and by that i mean not just his own but any of us who were in some way connected to him, he did not get upset or raise his voice.  he expressed disappointment.  his face would become more round.  his eyebrows would curl down the side of his face and his cheeks would droop and his forehead would wrinkle and it was evident he shared the pain of the moment with him who would learn from experience.

big gary served his family and his community.  he was a man of the world who was always ready to give, whatever he had, whatever he could.  his children are a testament to this fact as well.

tomorrow i will attend big gary's funeral mass and i am curious as to how this church can be expected to contain all of these people who will come to pay their respects to the man.  he touched so many through his affiliations and by proxy through his children and extended family.  i imagine there will be too many of us strange strangers connected to one another only by having known of the legend of this great man.

i remember a time in my early 20s when his son gary, myself and our other buddy steve were in the kitchen sitting at the 50's style table there drinking beer and playing some sort of drinking game in the wee hours of the morning.  i don't know why but we were all in our underwear when in comes big gary to get a drink from the refrigerator, in his underwear.  like typical 20-year-olds, we were not exactly considerate of others in the house as it related to our noise level and i think marge had been annoyed at the racket emanating from the kitchen at 2am.  instead of tearing into us for being so loud and rambunctious, gary clad in the exact same uniform we were wearing just looked at us like a kindred spirit, got his drink, glanced back at us with a look of concern and shuffled back to bed.  i imagine he told marge he gave us the business but of course, he didn't.  we still quieted, a bit, for a while...  the thing is big gary said all he had to say.  (talk about laconic.)  i don't recall him saying a single word though i know we talked to him so there were probably words exchanged but it wasn't what might have been expected.  he knew his presence said all he wanted or needed to say which was, "hey guys, there are other people in this house."  no lectures on the evils of beer consumption in excess or how loud quarters bouncing off a formica table are at that time of night.  just a look.  in retrospect that look said go ahead and be 20-something.  i prefer you here in my kitchen than out there in the world behind the wheel of a car or in a strange place experimenting with alcohol.  that was love and wisdom.

the catholics of the san gabriel valley are going to miss big gary, as will the concert band enthusiasts, the brotherhood of knights of columbus, the good people of calvados avenue, the thin blue line, the bevy of grandchildren, the cousins and extended family members, his earthy daughters and his manly sons, (so like him,) and we will all carry a piece of big gary with us the rest of our days.  for me i will strive to be a father to my children as he was, long on gentle loving kindness and understanding, and i will think of him when i need to remember how to act. 

his wife marge will miss him most of all.  she was his other half and she embodies the same values he did.  i mourn her loss even while i celebrate this man and the fact that i was influenced by him.

                                                  little gary, big gary & mark.  the patterson men.