no, this is not some device i have learned to handle these uncomfortable situations gracefully. it is simply a nervous response. it has been happening my entire life, too.
once when i had to appear before a judge after being apprehended for failing to appear on a traffic ticket, i smiled as the judge finished speaking to me and a certain look of disgust came over his face. i think he doled out my punishment without regard for my inopportune smile but i also think that for just a moment he wanted to throw the book at me.
once when breaking up with a girlfriend the nervous smile took over my face. she was enraged. her sadness gave way to anger and i stammered trying to explain it was just nerves that forced me to smile like it was christmas morning but that was sort of unbelievable because after all, i had a huge smile on my mug. who wouldn't be pissed?
i understand some people stutter when they are nervous. others sweat, or turn red. some can't talk and others can't stop talking. as for me, i grin.
today i had to counsel an employee of mine. i am quite fond of this employee and think she does a great job and brings real value to my team, but an incident occurred which was fairly minor but needed to be addressed.
i told my employee that this was not yet a disciplinary action but that if something like this ever happened again, it would certainly result in such an action. first her eyes turned red. then she started to sniffle. i explained that i wanted to talk through the events that had led to this meeting so that we could come to agreement on the unacceptability of her action and never have it happen again. she began sobbing, tears rolling down her face like raindrops on a window.
i felt the smile welling up in me. the thought of the message i was working to convey as clearly as possible wavered in my mind, giving way to thoughts of how to stifle this smile. several thoughts raced through my mind in that moment. i heard the chorus of x's 'i must not think bad thoughts,' echoed momentarily. i imagined grim determination as a force of gravity pushing down on the corners of my mouth.
alas, nothing worked and as i focused in on her eyes and the words she spoke through a steady stream of tears, my furled brow relaxed and a smile popped onto my face so that i suddenly felt like jimmy stewart, suddenly awakened from a bad dream, fedora pushed back up over his hairline, smiling a broad, country smile of utter contentment. i was nervous but from looking at me you would have thought i was secretly tickling myself under the arm. it was uncomfortable staying on message despite my employee's obvious state of distress.
after only a moment i regained control of my face and pushed the smile away. i finished the counseling session and all was well that ended well. my employee did not remark on the smile though i saw a visible awareness of it come over her face in that moment. damn i wish i could control my nervous smile but so far, i have not been the best at this.
so what do you do when you're nervous?
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