sandy dandy

for thanksgiving at my daughter's pre-school, parents were invited to join the staff and students for lunch, (always vegetarian of course, which in this case meant, tofu turkey.) well, my wife had to work and i had my not-quite-two-year-old son, which would have made attending problematic. so we asked sandy-dandy if she might want to go and she was happy to do it.

who's sandy? well, sandy is laura's mom and laura is faith's best friend. sandy doesn't work, or she does not have a job that she has to go to, anyway.

after our daughter was born over four years ago, when faith had to return to work, we made arrangements for terra to be attended by a woman we really did not know but who was a professional babysitter of sorts. (i am sure she would have done a good job with terra.) in any case, two nights before our new plan was to take effect, faith phoned sandy in tears because she was completely upset about leaving terra with a sitter she did not know. terra was her first, after all.) that night, sandy became our village.

that's right-i am borrowing from hillary clinton's book as it was aptly titled. it does take a village to raise a child. sandy is our village. she has been our one-person support system these past four-plus years. while faith and i worked sandy cared for terra until terra went to pre-school when she was two months shy of turning three. similarly, sandy has been taking care of our son; mark, just the same.

isn't modern life complicated? once upon a time families stayed together and in that time, everyone helped with the children, and by everyone i mean: mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, older cousins, and family friends. this is true for most every culture and remains true in some cultures today.

life has changed however. nowadays families do not stay together. i am reminded of the letter chief seattle is said to have written to president pierce in 1855, wherein he comments on how we, (white people,) leave the graves of our fathers...

my parents live about 80 miles away from my family. my sister lives within 15 miles of them and my brother is probably closer to 100 miles away. many families are spread out across our entire country. so, where is the village?

well, in our case, we have a great village. despite my parents being 80 miles away, we still go there often enough and occasionally the kids will stay with them while faith and i go out. faith's mom lives a mere 10 miles away and is especially helpful-she even watches the kids overnight on occasion. faith has a sister who lives nearby, in the next town, and she helps us out by watching mark or terra whenever we need extra help. faith has three younger sisters who also help out on a for pay basis and they are our most reliable sitters. my sister has even had mark and terra overnight once, allowing us to celebrate my birthday with my brother and my dad at the del mar racetrack. we are confident all of our "village." take great care of our kids.

our village is not perfect. i would love to have my side of the family closer so mark and terra could and would be closer to them. still, i feel lucky tommy is back from colorado and carole ann is back from arkansas, (and hawaii?)

i don't know how we would be comfortable and confident about our parenting if not for our village. faith and mark require a lot of care and attention. if we did not have our village i think our marriage could be in jeopardy. as it is, if we want to go see tom morello play at the el rey theatre, we call up bliss or cherish who comes over to watch the kids and we go forth confidently and have a great time. (faith and sandy on a happy occasion)

recently as i have been unemployed, i have been spending my days with mark, but when i have had a job interview, we have simply called sandy to see if she might be available on that day. when she has not been available, we have called hope and she has come over for a few hours while i am out trying to impress.

it is my opinion our values, the values found in our culture and society, will change. i think they will revert to what they once were as it regards the village. it seems to me people are more and more understanding and intuiting the hollow nature of pursuing fortune. instead we will embrace less material values, which will bring us to the greater reward of being closer together.

from what i have heard, sandy thoroughly enjoyed supporting terra and the james family by attending thanksgiving lunch at terra's pre-school. she said the turkey tofu was not so appealing but otherwise, the food was good, the other parents and caregivers were charming and terra was obviously happy to have her there. laura said it made sandy's day.

this holiday season i am especially thankful for our village. in particular, i am thankful for our friend and one-person village, sandy-dandy. sometimes family is defined by action, which is why we consider sandy, (and her entire family,) a part of our own family.